The Fear of Change

The system we are comfortable with has made our mind so afraid of changes. Yes change. We fear of taking the next big step, we no longer enjoy the risk of having nothing. Perhaps it is due to our commitments and responsibilities that we are confined to always be safe. Shouldn’t it be that, the more responsilibilities we have, the higher trust we should put on the One Above. We fear of being uncomfortable monetarily, that we rather face the daily struggle at work. Do we just live this life for money? Is this all what life is about?

وَلِلَّهِ مُلْكُ ٱلسَّمَـٰوَٰتِ وَٱلْأَرْضِ وَٱللَّهُ عَلَىٰ كُلِّ شَىْءٍ قَدِيرٌ

To Allah ˹alone˺ belongs the kingdom of the heavens and the earth. And Allah is Most Capable of everything.

When I quit school at 15, at my own risk, on my own decision, simply because I wanted to. The calling to quit and wear hijab was so strong, that I decided not to leave house without it. That risk I took despite of making my parents cry and left them feeling devastated. Not knowing what to do with me. Never in my life, have I ever regretted it. It was the beginning to a new adventure. A new life unfold, and it shaped me better in my search of a true religion. A chance to study in a land where internet has not actively existed. In 2001, their television channels were either news, classics Arab dramas or cartoons. While in Singapore, in my early teens I was watching MTV memorising all the latest song. The distraction was real. Where else in Damascus, I was forced to speak in their classic Arabic language, and my entertainments were textbooks and lots more books. I picked up my love for reading once again. This time, whenever I travel and stop for transit in Dubai or Doha, I will explore their bookstore and purchase English books. These books became my entertainment.

Sometime I wonder if I will ever get that calling again. Will I ever jump and take a risk again? The only difference now is that, I have children. Their lives depends on my decision and I can’t be as crazy as before. I need to be more cautious with my footsteps and think about the impact I may cause. Speaking about this, these 9 and 7 years old have specifically warned me to not continue my studies after finishing this course. They nagged at me and explained clearly how I am not spending time with them due to my work and school. I negotiated with them, perhaps I will take a year break, then maybe let me continue to proceed with higher learning. “No no no mummy! I don’t like it when you go out to study,”

That is true. ———> (Typed by my second born)

The other day, when I got a chance to solat magrib in Sultan, my heart fluttered when I saw 2 Syrian ladies at the musollah. At first, I was contemplating to start a conversation with them, but when I remembered the feeling of regret of not doing it when I had a chance to. I decided to brave myself and say Hi to them. I like to see their eyes surprised and their facial expression looking very happy to know someone speaks their language, in their dialect. Most of the Syrians in Singapore or KL I spoke to, they live all over the world. Their families are separated. While their parents are in Syria, some of them stays in Germany, France, America and some other countries. This is due to the never ending unrest in their country. It somehow gave me an insight. We are so comfortable in SIngapore today, we believe that this is the only place that is meant for us. We fear of trying to explore other country. We are afraid of the uncertainty, we believe what the media portrays it to be. Wallahu’alam.

This world belongs to the One Above. May the One Above guide our hearts, hold our hands, open up paths for our future. For us, for this little family of mine, for these girls. My munchkin, my light upon light. Ya Rabb!