Oh, Why Study?!

While the kids are still asleep snuggling with their favorite person, I decided to wake up early and leave home for some time alone. A breakfast with an ipad to release the words from my brain. Told my habeeb Albi that I might go out to meet my bff for breakfast yesterday night, but my bff had other plans instead. Alhamdulilah.

The past few weeks had been a hectic week for me. Studying Operation Management and Principle of Finance had me thinking why did I torture myself. Why did I even think of upgrading my knowledge. The blur me trying to grasp the knowledge but knowledge is avoiding me. Most of the time I lo0k at the Professors with full attention. Giving them that keen look but little do they know my mind is wandering and I don’t understand a thing. I have an Indonesian saying for that “Engge Engge” Meaning saying yes to everything you don’t understand. (That is me)

Despite of this struggle I am facing, I learned more about myself. I understand that I was never a bright child. I can never be that student who study last minute, and I am an indeed an emotional student too. I tend to do things last minute thinking that I can grabbed it all but nope I can’t. I am learning how to study and how to make studying enjoyable.

One of the many reasons to take up degree was to encourage my children to study. That was the idea I had. I wanted my children to see me reading my notes, listen to lectures, taking out my notebooks, using my colered pens and pressing the calculators. I wanted to give them the study-reading ambience. Only when they see their parents doing this, they will be encouraged to do it too. And guess what?

I am becoming more gentler in teaching my number 1. She who looks like her dad but has my character. We both talk non stop and get distracted easily. We have difficulty understanding maths, but we both kind of like the challenge. Especially when we understand it. People around us think that we are smart, but most of the time we struggle more than just smart. What smart? We are not.

My no. 2 had been bugging me to read her a book before sleep. So, since I promised her once I am done with my exam, I will read for her. I did. She chose a book from Ellie Belly’s series. “Otter out of Water.” We laughed our hearts out while her Abah is playing the video game beside us. Shortly after, she hugged my arms and fall asleep.

When I take a step back and think about how I am currently parenting my children, subconsciously I wished I had a mother like me. A mother who could teach me, a mother who could be patient with all my curiosity. Ahh just a wish, but I love my mum the way she has always been. She was the cycle breaker of her generation trauma. She was my father’s healer, and I inherited this from her. We are both good at being the comfort of our husband’s heart. I can talk about this non stop.

Anyways…. I am happy with the opportunity that Allah has given me. Alhamdulilah summa Alhamdulilah. As I am turning 40 in few years time, I understand that, opportunities is an advantage. Not every child is born into parents who have vision. Some children are born to just survive. Alhamdulilah with what I have today. Alhamdulilah for my children with what they have. Alhamdulilah that Allah gives me the insight to be better for them every single day. To create better paths for their future. Encouraging them to be as curious as possible. In Sha Allah someday, they will be fruitful for the people around them.

Me telling them all the time, “You have to study. You have to know everything. So that no one can cheat you or trick you into believing it is right. You don’t want to be cheated do you?” - HAHA!