I am nothing.

Recently, Allah has connected me with individuals whose souls are in pain. I have gotten random call at 5 am from a childhood friend, a male. He was crying in guilt of an incident happened 13 years ago. Next, is a good friend who is well known to the media. Came over to my house and had a session with me. She too cried. And today, when Mr T and kids are not around. A cousin of mine decided to get hold of me and she opened up. Crying too.

Ya Allah, wallahi I have nothing. Yet you send these people to me. These individuals who has good careers, bright future and has strong influence towards the people they are with. I have no idea what I should do with them. All I know is that, I hoped I have given my best to clear their thoughts of who they think about You. I hoped they have benefitted with the space they have with me.

You know… there are indeed many people out there who is in need of You. These people who i can resonate well. I was once so lost too. I once too, feel like this life is so long and torturing. I do always ask You, when will You take me home to You? When can I stop being good? Haha (Mr T will always ask me, what good have I done? Why do I think like I have done something good enough. Tsk! If only he knows how tiring it is to always be the calm one. The happy one. The one who tries her best to be cheerful and positive about whatever circumstances)

I don’t know what Allah wants from me.

But I am excited to what Allah has prepared for me.

Lately, there are many signs that are telling me to teach. But I feel that I am not someone who is in the right place to teach. I believe there are already many asatizahs out there, that can teach better than me.

I just want people to love You the way I do. I just want to clear Your name as much as possible. It is so sad that there are many asatizahs today only make things difficult for people to really know You. In matters of professionalism, the way they think and how they do their work, has made many people avoid knowing You. And somehow I agree with these people. You know… I always feel like You have chosen me to understand You and Rasulluah at a very young age. I am always grateful for that, and I fear of losing that Hidayah. This Hidayah was almost lost, but You saved me again. And again, despite of how stupid I can become.

I learned the real Islam in Syria. From prestigious, learned scholars. Who loved You and Your messenger. They are authentic in their love, they too portray love. They teach love. They become love. I felt their love, their love of God. Their sincere emulation to be like the best mankind, Muhammad (may peace and blessings be upon him) matched the books I have read about him(sallahu’alaihi wassalam)

Ya Allah, if I have never met them, I will never feel this so deep. Ya Allah, may You love me the way You love them. May You make me crave of being with them. The people You love.

You know… how I am always not impressed with a person’s status, nor wealth. I have always questioned myself why. Why am I not impressed or why am I not wowed?

And I guess, I have met so many people. The good looking ones from all over the world, and they too have flaws and some are very ugly in their characters. I have met people who has everything, the wealth is enough for me. But You know what Allah… not many people can give us peace. Not many people can be our peace. And the peace cannot be found except with You. It takes someone who knows You well, to attract me with that peace. And Alhamdulilah, You gave me someone who loves You more than I do. Who finds your book an entertainment. Who talks about You all the time. May You protect him ya Allah. Protect him, hold his hands, open doors for him Ya Allah. May You give me the patience to ensure he becomes the best version of himself. May You make him be the reason for many people to know You. The only reason I love him, because You love him. And I want to be with people who You love.

Ya Rabb!